Like most men, I found it hard to open up about what was on my mind, or what was getting me down. I’d rely on my stock answer: “I don’t want to talk about it!”, usually spoken with a hint of irritation.

I now understand that although this stock answer was legitimate, it didn’t help. It was legitimate because it was my own feeling, unadulterated, but coming from a place of vulnerability and fear. It took me months to regard vulnerability as a strength, and fear as a natural response to change. So, I started talking to a professional councillor.

It was strange at first. I assumed the councillor was going to give me lots of insights and tools. I felt disappointed after a session or two when I realised that this wasn’t going to happen. I was doing all the talking!

However, I learned that this was kind of the point. That the act of talking can be an instrumental part of understanding ourselves...and making a recovery.

Here’s some of what I learnt.

1. Time to stop and think

Life is busy, and our brains are busy as a result.

Simply organising yourself in the 21st Century is strenuous, confusing, and tiring. It requires energy to pull all the relevant parts together – home life, work life, social life.

But, did you know that 20% of the energy your body consumes is actually used by your brain..? That’s the equivalent of 4 bags of crisps, 10 rashers of bacon... or 3 pints of beer if that’s your preference.

If we are depressed, our mind is working on overdrive (it might not feel it, but it’s true) trying to untangle things from our past. If we are anxious, we are using our brains to worry about the future and any threats that it might hold for us.

Talking, and being listened to, gives us a break from this. It allows us to simply stop with the routine, and think instead. Think about ourselves and our place in the world. It affords us the rare opportunity to pull off the motorway of life, get out the car, and feel the air around us.

2. Get a new perspective

We can never be fully aware of everything about ourselves. There are things that we don’t know about ourselves, and things that we don’t divulge to others. This is the theory of ‘Johari’s Window’ (look it up...it’s interesting stuff).

Our friends and family consequently can only help so far...as they also don’t have a complete 360 of what’s going on in our heads. This is fair enough!

Having someone new...someone not connected...to listen to us is a way of unlocking those things that we don’t know about ourselves, or don’t want to own up to. It’s a way of getting a different perspective on things.

Or, if we don’t have anyone that we can confide in, and we are lonely, the same applies.

Wingmen is a listening service; we don’t offer guidance*. But, because we believe in the power of talking, and being listened to, we are confident that being listened to is an important part of a journey to recovery.

*Wingmen can also put you in touch to professionals who can offer guidance. We won’t leave you with a ‘closed door’.

3. Rewire your brain’s connections

By talking, we are able to access that part of the brain that can provide logical responses as well as emotional responses. If we can take time to talk, we can become more logical about things...and this is where we learn. The emotional brain is all about fight-flight-freeze. The logical brain enables us to understand, to get better.

The things we call ‘habits’ are actually those connections in our brains that we use most often. They become the path of least resistance for our brain; this is how habits form. But, by deciding to do something differently, like talking instead of clamming up, we can begin to form new connections in our brains. It’s hard at first...but becomes easier over time, like any exercise. As these new connections get used more and more, they become new, improved habits themselves.

If this sounds like pseudo-science, it’s not. It’s scientific fact. Just consider how hard it is to break a habit the first time...and how much easier it gets, each time you do it.

As Albert Einstein put it:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

4. Understand your emotions

Talking is actually a means of learning. This might sound counter-intuitive, since learning usually involves being told something...information coming to us, rather than coming from us. However, speaking aloud (or writing) what you want to understand is a great way of reinforcing knowledge.

This is true in many ways. If for example we are learning a new language, or something we need to understand to help us at work. But it is also a way of allowing us to understand ourselves.

We have all had fleeting insights into what makes us...us. Who we are, and what we stand for. What we like, and what is troubling us. We can stop them being fleeting insights by spending some time to talk about them. We can take them from being thoughts into being knowledge...and talking is a powerful way of doing this.

This is a personal opinion, and we’re all different. You may disagree...and that’s fine! There is no one-size fits all solution...humans are way too complicated for that. But, I wouldn’t be doing my duty if I didn’t share some of what has worked for me. I hope therefore that this might help. Thanks for ‘listening’!

At Wingmen we have personal experience of the power of talking...and listening. This is why we set the charity up in the first place, to provide a safe place for any man to talk...about anything. This demonstrates the confidence that we have in the ability to talk to make a difference.