Men’s mental health: Life in the Dark Ages

I’m a child of the 70’s and 80’s. I grew up in a blue-collar, working class northern city…everything was different then. Men’s mental health was definitely not a thing.

Growing up was a daily fight to be on the side of the strong, and not indicate any sign of weakness. The pack mentality was all about survival. If you were weak – or even simply different – you were outed, and it stayed with you for months, if not years.

I daresay, there are people my age still traumatised by their treatment as they grew up.

It seems like a different world. When I look back, I fear for the boy I was.

We didn’t have the tools, the knowledge or vocabulary. Adults, teachers – no-one had the tools to deal with difference, and discrimination thrived. It was like men’s mental health didn’t exist, even though mental health was a key component of this.

If for whatever reason you couldn’t cope, you were a target. The slightest mental or physical attribute had you marked out as different. There was no understanding of neuro diversity…if you were on the autistic spectrum you were ‘stupid’. If you had dyslexia, you were ‘thick’. The words that were used (by children and adults) to discriminate were horrendous; they don’t bear repeating here.

It didn’t stop at school, either. When behaviour goes unchallenged, it breeds and continues into adult life. The chances are that whatever had you marked out at school would transition with you into adult life. The pack mentality at work was the same as at school from my experience.

Men’s mental health becomes ‘part of the conversation’

It is remarkable how much mental health has been able to shed its stigma in recent years.

I recall a conversation on talk radio which took place around 2015. They were discussing how a famous footballer was not fit to play for reasons of mental health. From memory, his club backed him and he took some time off. The media, however, couldn’t get their heads around it. They simply made a connection between how much this person earned and the fact that they therefore shouldn’t have mental health issues. On the radio, they were telling him to ‘man up’.

It seems ridiculous now, doesn’t it? But this was only a few years ago. How things have changed, and with real speed, too.

Now, we have an understanding that men’s mental health issues can affect any man of any age, regardless of background, upbringing or privilege. There are a number of high profile people that we should reference at this stage.

Paul Gascoigne continues to be a divisive figure, but no one can debate his extraordinary talent. However, for many, the iconic image we have of Gazza was his tears at the 1990 World Cup. This was a pivotal moment, and society couldn’t quoter wrap its head around it at the time. An expression of such vulnerability, in front of the watching millions. Somehow, it shifted the bar on what was and wasn’t acceptable.

Gareth Thomas was one of the finest rugby players of his generation – a former captain of the Welsh international rugby team. Gareth is also gay, and back then was firmly in the closet. The world wasn’t ready for the juxtaposition of one of the hardest men in sport being homosexual. For years, this deception meant mental torment for Thomas. He was depressed and even suicidal. Now, however, he is at the vanguard for speaking out about this time of his life. His story is utterly inspirational for anyone who has suffered crises merely for being ‘different’.

In the world of entertainment, there are an increasing number of stars who are open about their struggles with mental health. Each one of them is helping to move the conversation on, to de-stigmatise the torment associated with anxiety, depression and the like. Let’s recall Lewis Capaldi’s bravery at Glastonbury in 2023. Transparent about his struggles, he made the audience part of his narrative with openness and honest. He acknowledged this at the time, and his fans love him all the more for this. He has created a connected with his fanbase because of his struggles, not in spite of them.

Looking back: My experience of the conversation around men’s mental health

Thinking back to that boy growing up all those years ago, and I’m ashamed to admit that my coping mechanism to was to stay safely on the side of the bullies, not the bullied. When the focus of attention of the bullies was placed on a friend of mine, I disowned him, choosing the safe option rather than the right option. I’m shamed by this, and haunted by this terrible decision making to this day.

I was lucky enough to be able to blend in…I wasn’t part of an ethic minority and didn’t have any particular distinguishing features. I had it easy. I took the side of the strong, against the weak.

But, here’s the thing. It should never be about taking sides. It shouldn’t be about strength, weakness, difference. And, increasingly it isn’t. The conversation around men’s mental health has moved on, and the vocabulary is available for us to understand stress, anxiety, self-harm, depression, low mood…

I find myself optimistic about the future. I can only see things getting better, more supportive, inclusive and compassionate. I can see in the not-to-distant future a place where humans understand that most of us will have struggles at some point in our lives, and therefore we are probably more connected to each other than we think.

You may also want to check out our other men’s mental health resources by clicking here.

And, of course, if you need to connect, then simply pick up the phone to Wingmen. We’ve got your back.