In this article we see how it is possible to turn a perceived weakness into a mental strength.

What is vulnerability?

‘Vulnerability.’

It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? It has many associations that, as men, we might find we want to distance ourselves from. It certainly doesn’t feel like it fits with the idea of ‘mental strength’. But, should this be the case? What is vulnerability, and why does it feel like kryptonite to most men?

The dictionary defines vulnerability as:

“the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”

On the face of it, that doesn’t sound great! As humans, we aren’t inclined toward wanting to be harmed. We spend time trying to ensure that we, and those that are close to us, are protected from threat. So, it would be natural to assume vulnerability is to be avoided.

This is why we have a ‘flight-fight-freeze’ mode built into our central nervous system. Unless we learn how to overcome it, this mode will overpower all of our rational senses if we think we are in a threatening situation.

In truth, being vulnerable is much more subtle than the dictionary definition says. It is as much about what we think we are making ourselves vulnerable to.

At Wingmen, we understand that to reach out to someone else about what is bothering you could make you feel vulnerable. We acknowledge that many of our callers feel vulnerable but we think that is fine. Why? Because we know that to feel vulnerable is to be human.

The ancient art of Judo and mental strength

As a boy, I was taken to Judo classes by my parents. I used to really like it – the history, the cool Judo gear and the thought of becoming a black belt.

That was, until I got beaten into submission by a girl twice my size. In front of a crowd. It wasn’t good!

Judo is a defensive martial art. It trains you in what to do if you are attacked, how you can use your own body weight and balance to your favour. It enables you to overcome your fears and your defensive mechanisms…and to put mind over matter as it were.

I think learning Judo is a bit like learning to become vulnerable. When you step into the ring, you know you could be putting yourself in harm’s way. But, by applying the moves you have learned, you can protect yourself and learn things to take to the next encounter.

In Judo, you know that there is a threat, but you put yourself in its way regardless. Just as in life, it may feel counter-productive or threatening to open up to someone about what’s on your mind. It can feel like you are putting yourself in harm’s way. But if you can apply some techniques, then you can build resilience pretty quickly. It can actually be a sign of mental strength.

This is how vulnerability can be used to your advantage. Get beyond that initial defensive mechanism, and it can be something that actually makes you stronger.

After a few years of trying to master Judo, I had to realise in the end that I wasn’t going to get anywhere near to black belt!

Opening up

It also took me a while to master the art of opening up to someone about my own mental health problems, and to learn that each time I did, I got a little bit better, and learned a little but more about my mental strengths and weaknesses.

Here are a few sayings that I hope will help you to make that first call:

• “I’m not doing anything that millions haven’t done before me.”
• “What is the worst that can happen by having a conversation?”
• “If I don’t try something new, nothing is likely to change.”
• “This is not going to cause me an ounce of physical pain.”
• “I’m in a safe place. If I change my mind and put the phone down, that is absolutely fine!”

Hopefully, you have found this article useful. You can find more resources like this here: https://www.wingmen.org.uk/resources/

You might also be interested in this Ted Talk on using vulnerability as part of your mental strength assets: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en.

Wingmen is a service dedicated to providing a listening post to anyone out there. We understand that you may be feeling vulnerable, and we want to help you see that vulnerability can actually be a sign of mental strength.